The Guys

Tim Higgins

Have you ever do something that made people react in a way that made you think you did something so insane that it made you feel proud that you can go the extra mile?

This isn’t that type of bio. This instance has something happen that you might think twice. I was helping a patient into his bed. I crouched down by the patient perched at the edge. Procedure in this instance is to ask what leg needed the assist.

“Left right, or both, Mr. Patient?” I asked.

“My legs don’t need help. You can help with this.” Patient replied.

I was already in position to grab one of his legs, so what happens next shocked the shit out of me.

Mr. P lifted his gown.

I don’t know if it was him doing it very slowly, or just my pure befuddlement that made things this way. He revealed a cotton “hammock” device that contained this mans’ ball sac.

It was the size of a damn basketball.

Without hesitation I assisted said ball sac onto the bed like it was my own.

I did have gloves on.

After it was done I turned to notice that I had a small audience standing, slack jawed.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I won’t hold back anything for the show. I’ve been doing improv too long to half sac it for you lovely folks.

You see the sac is the show, and the audience, the balls.

You want me to man handle you people without care?

Fuck no.

I ain’t gonna do it.

I’m going to treat you like my own.

Now sometimes my junk needs a little knockin’ around, so be prepared for that.